He Gave Us Matching Rings. I Married the Butcher.

Hudson didn’t answer the captain. He looked down at Jean, and the corner of his mouth lifted before he caught himself. I’d spent years learning how to read his face across a crowded room. I knew what that little smile meant. For a second, he’d let himself picture the life the captain had just described. Everyone in the courtyard knew why Hudson had gone to prison. A man from a rival crew had been harassing Jean. Hudson went after him with a brick, and the man died. The Farleys still talked about the plea deal that had put him away for three years. They knew my part of the story, too. I’d kept going to see him, even when he told me to stop. The way his friends liked to tell it, I’d made such a nuisance of myself that marrying me was the only way he’d ever get any peace. What they didn’t know was that Jean had left the country as soon as Hudson went to prison. She was afraid somebody would ask what she knew about that night. Hudson took the fall alone, and she stayed gone. I kept writing when he stopped taking visitors. I was there when he walked out. Later, when he pushed me away once too often and I finally left town, he drove more than six hundred miles to bring me back. He looked as if he’d been behind the wheel all night. When I opened the door, he asked if he could come in. Then he stood in the hallway and promised he’d spend the rest of his life making sure I never had a reason to leave again. “Even if Jean comes back?” I’d asked. “Even then.” For months after that, I’d wake up in the middle of the night and find his arm locked around my waist. Once, when I tried to get up for a glass of water, he woke and asked where I was going before his eyes were even open. Now Jean was back. I’d told him to marry her, and he’d smiled. I should have walked away the first time he told me to. Hudson finally met my eyes. The smile was gone. For a second he looked scared. He opened his mouth, but Jean spoke first. “Tabitha, I’m grateful you took care of him while I was gone.” She slipped her arm around his waist. “But being grateful to someone isn’t the same as loving them. You can’t hold everything you did for him over his head and call it a marriage.” She said it gently enough for anyone standing a few feet away to mistake it for kindness. “He’s always loved me,” she added. She moved until she was standing directly in front of him. The veil I’d put on her brushed his sleeve as she tilted her face up. “Now that I’m here, Hudson, will you marry me?” Someone on the chapel steps cleared his throat. Hudson glanced past Jean at me, then back down at her. “You just got back,” he said. “There are things I need time to sort out.” Jean’s smile held a beat too long. Then she looked away. Nelson stepped in before either of them could say anything else. “Come on. There’s a six-foot picture of Hudson and Tabitha in the entrance hall. If you two decide to get married, we’ll throw you a wedding of your own.” Hudson swallowed. He didn’t correct him. “Congratulations, then,” I said. “I hope you’re happy together.” “Thank you,” Hudson said. I’d expected him to say he hadn’t agreed to anything. He thanked me. The sun was in my eyes. I could have stepped back into the shade, but I stayed where I was until I trusted myself to speak again. Jean ducked her head. Her cheeks had gone pink. “If you need time, I’ll wait,” she told him. Then she turned to me. “Tabitha, would you be my maid of honor when it happens?” I realized I’d gathered a fistful of my skirt. I opened my hand and let the fabric fall. “Sure. I’ll bring my fiancé. You can put him down as best man if you’re short one.” Jean put a hand over her mouth. “Your fiancé? Have you had somebody else lined up all this time?” She looked around to make sure the others had heard. “That explains why you’re taking this so well. You practically handed Hudson to me.” She smiled. “I guess I did you a favor.” I looked down. Hudson was still holding her hand. He hadn’t said a word. Then I laughed. It was the first time all afternoon I hadn’t stopped to think how I might sound. “I’ve known him a long time. I only accepted his proposal today. I still want to get married, Jean. I’ve just changed my mind about who I want to marry.” I looked at Hudson. “You and Mr. Farley are welcome at my wedding, Jean.” The courtyard went quiet. The captain who’d been talking about Hudson and Jean’s children looked down at the steps. Nelson glanced at Hudson before he spoke again. “Who is it, Tabitha?” he asked. “Come on. If you’re saying it to save face, we’ll all forget you said it. But if there’s really somebody, give us a name.” I took out my phone and opened the exchange from the bridal room.

There were only two messages on the screen. Tabitha, if you’ve changed your mind, my offer still stands. Say the word and we can get married next Saturday. Okay. I’ll marry you. I covered the sender’s name with my thumb and held the screen out to Nelson. He read both messages twice. The captain came down from the steps to look over his shoulder. “Holy shit, you’re serious?” Nelson looked up at me. “You didn’t arrange this with somebody ahead of time, did you?” “The wedding’s next week,” I said. “You’re all invited. Come see for yourselves.” Jean gave a little gasp. “Hudson. You’re hurting me.” He let go of her hand. There were marks where his fingers had been. When he turned to me, he looked angrier than he had any right to be. “Enough, Tabitha. Quit playing games. Jean just got back, and I’m taking her home. See to the guests.” I waited for him to ask if I had a way home myself. “We’ll talk when I get back,” he added. Then he reached into his jacket and took out two Band-Aids. He crouched in front of Jean, eased off her shoes, and pressed a bandage to the raw skin at the back of each heel. He held each one in place for a few seconds so it would stick. I’d shown him how to do that. “Every time you wear these things, you tear up your feet,” he said. “When are you going to learn?” Jean made a face at him, then put both arms around his neck. “What do I need to learn for? I’ve got you. Carry me to the car.” He did. One of his men whistled as Hudson passed, and someone called out, “Look at Farley. Nobody spoils a woman like he does.” I looked down at the empty wrappers he’d left on the stone bench. I’d started carrying Band-Aids when Hudson was in prison. He used to come into the visiting room with split knuckles and tell me he’d scraped them on a door. I couldn’t give him anything across the table. The day he got out, I slipped a few into the coat I’d brought him. After that, whenever I found a wrapper in the laundry, I put another one in his pocket. For years, I’d thought of it as one of those little things you did when you loved somebody. When he came home, he could barely get through dinner with two other people at the table. I introduced him to the men who still took my calls. I got him back into rooms the Farleys had stopped inviting him into. At first, he’d ask me to stay beside him until the last man left. Once he had a crew again, he started leaving halfway through dinner. He’d stick me with a club owner or a trucking contractor and expect me to come home with a deal. More than once, I lost track of how much I’d had to drink because the man across from me kept ordering another round. A couple of them put their hands on me under the table. I’d lock myself in a bathroom stall until I could stop crying, then go back and finish what Hudson had sent me there to do. I told him once. He asked if the man had signed. Another night I couldn’t get a cab and walked home at two in the morning. The backs of my heels were bleeding by the time I made it through the door. Hudson saw me brace myself against the wall to take off my shoes. He had Band-Aids in his pocket that night, too. Until I watched him kneel in front of Jean, I’d never let myself ask how easy it would have been for him to do that for me. A car door shut. Hudson pulled out with Jean beside him. He hadn’t said a word to me about what had happened at the altar. The guests gave me careful little smiles. Some of them had just been telling Hudson he belonged with Jean. Now they looked sorry for me and waited for me to make the rest of the afternoon easy on them. Nelson took me aside. “He went to prison for her, Tabitha. Even back in college, if somebody laid a hand on Jean, Hudson would go after him. You’ve seen what he’s like when it comes to her.” “I have now.” “Do yourself a favor, then. Let him go. Even if you talked him into staying, what kind of life would that be?” I hated that it was Nelson saying it. I hated more that he was right. I saw the last guests off and went home to pack. I thought I could be out in an hour. Then I opened the first drawer. I’d spent eight years holding on to things because Hudson had given them to me. I didn’t know where to start. There was a knockoff purse from a street vendor and a perfume sample Hudson had brought back from a hotel. A bracelet that had cost $9.99 still sat on the little velvet stand I’d bought for it. The most expensive gift he’d ever given me was a gold bangle I’d asked for after he proposed. Ten grams. Just over a thousand dollars. Even after he’d taken out his wallet, I’d told him twice that he didn’t have to buy it. I put the bangle in the same bag as the bracelet. By dawn, I’d taken the last bag of gifts out to the trash. Hudson hadn’t sent a message all night. I hadn’t called him once. I was zipping up my last suitcase when his key turned in the lock.

Hudson stopped just inside the door. His eyes went straight to the suitcase at my feet. “Where are you going?” I pulled the zipper the rest of the way around. “Home.” He crossed the room, took the suitcase by the handle, and shoved it into the corner. One of the wheels struck the baseboard. “Come on, Tabitha.” His voice softened. “You don’t have any family. Where else would you go?” He said it the same way he used to tell me to put my keys down and stay the night. Back then, I’d thought it meant he wanted me there. “I know you’re upset about yesterday,” he went on. “But the wedding was for the guests. Once we make it official at City Hall, we’ll be husband and wife. That’s what counts.” I almost laughed. Some of the men in Hudson’s crew had put off a wedding for years because they hated the idea of an audience. They still made it to City Hall. Among my friends, the longest anyone had waited was five years. I’d given Hudson eight. When he’d promised me a home, I’d thought he meant one I wouldn’t have to ask him to let me keep. Whenever I brought up getting a marriage license, he had a meeting he couldn’t move or a man coming in from out of town. The one time he agreed to meet me at the clerk’s office, I got there when it opened. By closing, I knew which clerk kept a sweater on the back of her chair and which guard turned off the ticket machine. Hudson showed up as the clerk was packing her bag. I held out my number and asked her to give us five more minutes. Then he told me he’d forgotten his ID. I hadn’t brought it up since. But I wanted to hear what he’d say with my suitcase already packed. “Fine. Let’s go to City Hall today and apply for the license. Do that with me, and I’ll let yesterday go.” His face changed before I’d finished. “Today? Jean just got back.” He lowered his voice, as if she might hear us from the next room. “I don’t know how she’d take it. I’m worried she might do something to herself.” I let him hear the silence that followed. “Give her a little time to settle in,” he said. “Then I’ll go with you. I swear.” “Forget it.” I still needed my ID to leave. I knelt in front of the safe, entered the code, and took my card from the drawer where Hudson kept our passports and the papers he wouldn’t leave at the club. Hudson caught me by the arm and hauled me up before I’d found my footing. I stumbled. The back of my hand caught the edge of the open safe door, and I went down hard. He bent to help me. Then he saw the ID between my fingers and pulled his hand back. “What do you want from me, Tabitha? I said I’d marry you. Why do you have to push?” “I’m taking my ID.” “Jean was joking yesterday. I thought you understood that.” He straightened. “We’re friends. That’s all.” “Friends?” I got to my feet on my own. A drop of blood hit the hardwood. I pressed my thumb against the cut. “She showed up in a wedding dress. You left me at the altar and spent the night alone with her.” I held up the hand he’d just pulled away from. “Which part was I supposed to laugh at?” His lips tightened. Then he sighed and pulled me against him. I kept my injured hand between us so he wouldn’t press on it. “Nothing happened last night,” he said. “I told Jean there’s no chance of us getting back together. I only went after her because I needed to know why she disappeared eight years ago. I’d had that question in my head since prison. I couldn’t just let her walk away again without asking.” He rested his chin against my hair. “You’re the one who matters to me. I’ve told you that.” I’d heard it often enough to know what usually came next. On my birthday, we’d driven up into the mountains. We’d barely sat down to eat when one of his men called to say he thought he’d seen Jean at the airport. Hudson took the car. By the time I found somebody willing to drive me back down, it was dark. He called later to tell me the woman at the airport hadn’t even been her. Another time, I was in bed with a fever when he heard Jean was sick overseas and couldn’t get the medicine she wanted. He packed up our last bottle of fever reducer and sent it to her. I was barely out of bed for a week. For the first two days, I kept checking the bathroom cabinet, sure he’d picked up another bottle on his way home. And every anniversary, he wrapped two gifts. Mine went on the kitchen table. Jean’s went into the locked drawer of his desk. For years, I’d thought it meant something that Hudson remembered our dates without being reminded. Then I learned our first kiss had fallen on the anniversary of his first kiss with Jean. The day he asked me to be his was the same date he’d once asked her. He’d never needed to put a new date on the calendar.

I stepped out of Hudson’s arms. I’d spent too many nights lying awake beside him, trying to make what he said fit what he did. I wasn’t going to spend another one there. I slipped my ID into my coat pocket, retrieved my suitcase from the corner, and headed for the door. Hudson grabbed my wrist. “Tabitha, what the hell do you want from me? You wanted a wedding. I gave you the wedding I promised.” “You left before the vows were over.” “And when Jean asked me to marry her yesterday, I didn’t say yes.” His grip tightened. “You stood in front of the captains and my crew and announced you were marrying somebody else. You made me look like a fool in front of my own men, and somehow you’re angry at me?” I looked down at his hand until he let go. Blood had started to dry across the back of mine. “I’m going home, Hudson.” “Home?” He pointed at the door. “You’re an orphan nobody wanted. Where are you going to go the second you walk out of here?” He knew exactly what those words would have done to me a year ago. I would have stayed to argue. I would have told him what it cost me to hear that from the man who’d once promised me I’d never have to wonder where I belonged again. This time I just looked at him. He looked away. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.” I waited. “But you were out of line yesterday, Tabitha. Nelson saw those messages. What am I supposed to say when my guys start asking who you’re marrying?” I turned back to the door and took hold of the suitcase handle. “I wasn’t joking. Every word I said was true.” The doorbell rang before he could answer. Hudson went past me and opened the door. Jean stood on the front step with a suitcase of her own. She had both hands around the handle, and her eyes were wet. “Hudson, I’m sorry. My landlord told me to get out.” She glanced down at her bag. “I don’t have anywhere else to go. Could I stay here for a little while?” “Of course you can.” He took the suitcase from her and stepped aside. “Come in. Stay as long as you need.” He put her bag down where mine had been before he shoved it into the corner. Then he asked if she’d had breakfast. Jean looked over his shoulder at me. Her gaze traveled from my coat to my suitcase. “Tabitha, are you going somewhere?” I drew breath to answer. “She’s taking a few days away,” Hudson said. “She needs to clear her head. Don’t worry. She won’t mind you staying here.” I let out a little laugh. He could tell his captains I was on vacation, too. It would save him the trouble of telling them I’d meant what I said. Jean thanked him again. He told her to stop apologizing and went to put the coffee on. I could hear her following him into the kitchen, asking where he kept the mugs. I wheeled my suitcase over the threshold and turned back just long enough to pull the door shut. He’d just told Jean she could stay as long as she liked. I’d spent eight years waiting to feel that sure I could stay.